This is Bart Tocci. He is a writer. I asked him a long time ago if he wouldn't mind that I borrowed a section from one of his works and featured him on my blog. He didn't mind.
I Love You, Grey Sweatpants
If a good man is hard to find, does that make a good woman easy to find? Yes. Every woman is good. According to Oprah, every woman should be put on a pedestal. Besides the obvious physical impracticality of this, it makes perfect sense. Statistics show that nine out of ten guys are jerks, and that one out of ten guys are gay—no wonder women struggle in finding the perfect man. I’ve been doing some research, and if Facebook photo albums are any indication, most girls have no problem finding the bad guys. Thankfully for the good guys, a number of women have posted what they require from us.
My research led me to a quote that sums up these wild expectations—it’s written by an unknown author who was a recent champion of Sapfest2009:
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you…. The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”
What would it look like if we actually lived out this poppycock? A wedding abiding by these nonsensical desires would prove an interesting sight: Folks would be enchanted by the bride, who showed up, apparently just out of bed, frizzy hair, bad breath, wearing sweatpants with “bride” written across the butt and an old Property of XXL t-shirt. The guests would all be saying, “awwww” when the groom kissed the bride’s forehead instead of her lips. The groom holds his wife close at the reception, listening to her heartbeat:”70 beats per minute. That’s a great resting heart rate, hun!” The bride gets up to go get a chocolate covered strawberry and on her return the groom taps his best man and with a proud smile says, “That’s her.” To which the Best Man responds, “I know…I introduced you guys four years ago, honestly if you tell me ‘that’s her’ one more time I’m going to lock you in a closet and burn this reception hall to the ground.”
There is more to this posting, and there is much more to his collection, which you can find at We Were Merely Sophomores.