Friday, 28 October 2011

To Whom It May Concern:

Congratulations, dear graduate. We at Grammar & Co. are pleased to see you join the ranks of the proud, the few, the literate. Our exclusive education is intended to raise people, such as yourself, above the masses, to set them apart from the common reader, and to sanctify you for exceptional and possibly nefarious purposes. For the past few years, we have made sure to steep you in the rich broth of language, and—you will agree—that it has made you all the better. You are now—more than ever—attuned to the kinks, the turnings, the shades, the idiosyncrasies of our great language. You have been instilled with a keen ear and a quick mind for grammar, and we now place in your hands the great responsibility of bringing this message to the world.
Despite contrary opinion, we will not be spreading the light to the less fortunate, nor will we ask you to condescend to the masses and pull them from their miry depths of incorrect grammar; rather, we ask you to do what the few and the privileged have always done. It is our task to show people the error of their ways, their place in society, their general inferiority, and their lack of good breeding. Though they may be well aware of it already, you have been given the duty—nay, the honor!—of beating the sad and sordid truth of their station into their heads. If language is power, does it not follow that the best use of language—the most clear and concise presentation of a subject matter—is even more powerful? Therefore, buildings will crumble, societies collapse, civilizations fall at the lightest touch of your rhetoric. You have been prepared—granted a thorough understanding of grammar (and consequently, of languages, of cultures, and of the social structures contained therein), and hopefully, a cruel precision with which to cut away the dregs of society.
It has been a privilege to teach you, and we sincerely hope that you find this calling your cross to bear; or rather, that you find it your calling to put this cross on others and let them feel the weight of their inadequacy. We salute you for a job well done and a bright future ahead.

Grammar & Co.

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